Bitter medicine
by Ahai
Summary: Taking your medicine is never good but it does good. Guts experiences this both on the inside and out.


"Casca, would you stop dragging me?!"

Despite being much bigger and stronger, Guts got dragged by Casca impatiently. Or rather, he LET her drag him. Gut could easily just shove her away or just stop and let her struggle making him move, but this woman had her strong stubburn moments and she would most probably nag till his ears fell off. And he couldn`t really do any resistance, not with the whole reason why the two of them were going.

Guts haven`t been taking good care of the wounds he had gotten from all battles he fought lately. The wounds didn`t get better with time. They were starting to discolor and nothing of whatever anyone from the Hawks had made it better, not even the elf dust Judeau had. But that wasn`t all, his muscles seemed to ache as well. He couldn`t even practise with his sword, he would just swing his sword vigorously down once and then drop it and groan out of pain. No one was sure if these wounds were the cause or if it was something wrong with Guts. Casca heard there was "special" doctor nearby at the moment, she thought this would be a really good thing for Guts and his "injuries".

"I would stop if you could pick up the pace!"

Casca was probably worried Guts would change his mind about this. When Casca told Guts about this travelling doctor, Guts got sceptical right away. This doctor was most likely some gypsy making a living of swindling people, Guts told Casca. Casca responded by telling him to give this a chance, maybe it really was a "special" doctor. She didn`t know why this doctor was referred as special, but she had positive thoughts of why he was called special. So, she refused to give up and kept bugging Guts with reasons why they should go to the doctor. She overdid the "pestering" on Guts since there wasn`t much time, who knew when this doctor would travel off again? Guts gave in as Casca would drive him insane any moment if she continued her pestering and also because his wounds felt more painful each day and didn`t seem to heal as they should. Maybe this doctor would just say things and give him some medicine, why bother holding out this pestering for such?

"I will "pick up the pace", can`t you just let go already? I`m the one who is seeing the doctor, remember?!"

Casca stopped. Hesitantly she let go of Guts` arm, as she did she noticed her hand was bloody. Casca looked at Guts who was looking at her with a frown. Guts had high pain tolerance and all that, but he probably had a limit of how long he could handle having one of his wounds held in a tight grasp as they were walking quickly with each wound of his body being tender and hurting. He also had his sword with him on his shoulder, the sword was coming with him no matter if there were battles or not! The sword also seemed heavier, oddly enough.

Casca`s expressions turned guilt ridden.

"Sorry Guts..." Casca ripped off her sleeve and wrapped it around the wound she reopened.

Out of concern they were walking slower so no more of Guts` wounds would reopen whether Casca grasped them or not.

"

They arrived to some decorated tent. There were bottles and jars hanging around in a cord around the tent and cordless bottles and jars lying around the tent. The first thought anyone would have would be this was some place for people dealing with witchcraft. Casca seemed to have gotten sceptical of this.

"U-umm, hello? Is there anyone here?" Casca called out gently.

The tent opened up and out from the tent came a lean, dark skinned man wearing a light gray tunic, grey trousers of a darker shade and black boots.

"Well hello! What can I do for you?" The man asked in a chirpy tone.

"Are you the travelling doctor?" Casca asked.

"Yes I am. Has an illness or injury inflicted you?"

"No, not me. I heard there was a travelling doctor nearby at the moment, so I brought this man from the group I travel with. He has injuries that won`t seem to heal..."

Casca presented Guts. Guts barely looked at him and had the attitude of uninterest, this made Casca frown.

"I see. Let us get inside my tent and have a look, shall we?"

The doctor waved his hand as a sign to follow him. Guts remained where he was standing, Casca had to push him to get him going. Inside the tent was an incense with two burning sticks sticking out, making smoke of a comfortable and tranquil scent come out. The doctor sat down at an end of the tent and Guts and Casca sat down in front of him.

"So, what is your name my good man?"

Guts grimaced.

"Name is Guts" He said bluntly.

The doctor scrutinized Guts. Guts came without wearing anything on the upper part, he told Casca he was more comfortable wearing nothing on his upper body for the time being.

"I see you wear bandages which has gotten tainted and a giant sword on your shoulder, so I take it you are a soldier?"

Guts nodded and flinched the moment the doctor laid his hands on his upper body.

"What are you doing?!" Guts yelled.

"In order to find out the problem, the bandages has to come off so I can see the wounds."

"I can do it myself!" Guts said.

Guts bit apart bandages in the middle of arm and started to twirl them off. Casca took care of taking off the bandages on his upper body and the piecen of cloth she wrapped on him earlier. Once all the bandages were off, the doctor took a good look at him. The doctor looked around and took down a jar from a cord which was also inside the tent. He opened the lid, put his hand down the jar and took some jelly substance out and started smearing it on Guts` arm. Guts gritted his teeth, and it didn`t take long before he lost his patience and stabbed the doctor in the gut with his sword.

"Guts, what are you doing?!" Casca exclaimed.

Guts didn`t stab him deeply, only the tip of his sword was blood soaked. As for the doctor, he didn`t seem to be affected at all, no pained facial expressions, no groans out of pain. His grey tunic was turning scarlet but he didn`t seem to be bothered by that.

"It`s alright, this is not the first time. I have had other patients who has acted recklessly"

The doctor pulled down his tunic by the neck, showing a visiable and nasty scar.

"This is from a woman I once treated. Similar to Guts here, I applied some medicine on her. One touch and she screamed and ran out of my tent. I went after her and instead of finding her gone, she jumped on me and tried to chop my head off with a rock she found"

Casca forrowed her eyebrows and Guts looked surprised.

"That`s awful!" Casca said.

"Although I wouldn`t say her actions were any good, it did help me to figure out more of her problems and with that, it got easier to treat her"

The doctor got up and went towards to another edge of the tent towards a crate. Out of the crate he took out a big blanket, put it on the floor and lit some more incense.

"If you Guts would just lay down on the blanket, I will treat your injuries "

"How?" Guts asked.

"You seem to be pend up with pain from the inside as well and with that I am to treat your musculoskeletal system as well as the wounds"

"What is the price for all this, doctor?" Casca said as she loosed her coin purse from her sash around the waist.

"No need think of it now, we`ll talk about that afterwards"

Guts gritted his teeth and furrowed his brows.

 _"You`ve been sold for the night for three silver coins!" Big, calloused hands grabbed him firmly and slammed him to the ground. Sharp pain entered him and no one was there to respond to his pained screams._

Guts ran out. Casca got up and ran after him and managed to grab him before he could run any futher. Guts was panting and that was not because of the running.

"Let go of me, Casca!" Guts exclaimed.

Guts was starting to shake as well. Casca could not give any comeback, she knew the treatment involved physical touch, Guts hatred of being touched and the reason why. Casca leaned into Guts and rubbed his back in order to calm him down.

"I know this is hard for you, Guts. Do know he is not going to harm you, he is going to treat your wounds"

"I can`t be touched without seeing Donovan and feel his dirty, sweaty hands holding me down and hit me!" Guts` eyes started to get teary.

Casca lifted her hands up and placed them gently to his cheeks.

"Only your upper body is to be bare and there will only be healing touches. I will be with you all the time. You see me, you hear me and no danger is to occur here. Pay no mind to the doctor, just pay attention to me" Casca looked at him with gentle, kind eyes.

Guts lowered himself and leaned his forehead to Casca`s shoulder. He rested his head on her shoulder for a moment till he got up again and looked her straight in the eyes.

"I can`t promise you anything" He said.

Casca smiled.

"I know and I don`t expect anything"

Together they walked back inside the doctors tent. Guts was hesitant, but he did manage to get back.

"

The doctor rummaged this crate of his and got up as he saw Guts and Casca enter his tent again.

"Are you ready to begin the treatment?" The doctor asked Guts in a gentle tone.

Very slowly Guts nodded once. Casca looked at the big stain on the doctors tunic.

"Uhm, what about your wound, doctor...?

The doctor looked down on his tunic, seemingly to have forgotten all about this big blood stain. He picked up a jar lying on the ground behind him.

"No need to think of it, it`s been taken care of. In this jar I have a medicine which stops bleeding and helps soothing wounds. The healing process increases as well, healing of injured organs and healing of injured skin."

As Guts looked at the jar filled with purple jelly, he got closer to the blanket in front of the doctor.

Guts layed down on his back on this blanket as smoke from the incense surrounded him.

Guts was nervous, anyone could see that by looking at his face.

"If you wish, you can have your sword right next to you" The doctor said.

Guts and Casca were bewildered by that. Did the doctor have some death wish? Guts however wasn`t hesitant, he was more than eager to have his sword near him. As the doctor began touching his pectoral, Guts tightened his grip on the sword handle and seemed ready to stab the doctor again any second. Casca took Guts` free hand.

"I`m not giving birth, Casca. Don`t hold my hand!" Guts growled at Casca.

Casca raised her eyebrows as she removed her hand from his.

"Alright, maybe I should just go-"

"No! No, no!" Guts grabbed her wrist and pulled Casca down to the ground again as she had halfway gotten up.

The doctor was putting pressure on spots of Guts` torso. Guts had his eyes closed and regurlarly winced at each touch as if second degree burns were touched. Casca did not hold his hand, Guts still had her wrist in a tight grip. Casca couldn`t feel her fingers anymore and her hand was turning blue. If Guts kept tightening his grip around her wrist, she would maybe have to amputate her hand.

"Guts, do you remember our first time?" Casca asked, trying her best not sounding like she was in pain.

The grip loosened a bit.

"Casca...what?" Guts still had his eyes closed.

Casca leaned forward so she could whisper in his ear.

"Just the two of us. Free off the armor, the waterfall, so tranquil and peaceful..."

Although the very first attempt was a failure because of brought back memories of abuse Guts went through and almost killing Casca, the second attempt was wonderful.

"The weapons make my hands calloused, but I can still gently touch you" Casca tried to make an image in Guts mind of only her touching him.

The tone of Casca`s voice was so gentle, Guts only thought of the sucessful attempt. As Casca started touching him, imitating the doctors touches, Guts calmed down and let go of her wrist.

The doctor did his job with kneading and putting pressure, Casca gently touched the areas the doctor worked on with one hand as her other hand needed blood circulation for it to function again. Guts had calmed down to the point where he also let go of the sword handle.

The doctor looked at Casca.

"Tell Guts to deeply breathe in with his nose, and slowly breathe out through his mouth" The doctor whispered to Casca.

Casca nodded at that and did as the doctor told her to do. Guts practically slumped down all over as he did what he was told. The doctor told Casca to continue what she was doing as he seached in his crate. He picked up a bottle with yellow gel and applied the gel on Guts` wounds. Casca had stopped touching Guts but he still remained calm nevertheless, it was like he was asleep but he was awake. The doctor put his hands on each side of Guts` head and this time he himself told Guts to deeply breathe in with his nose and hold it in. The doctor quickly turned his patient`s head to the side, making it crack in the process. Guts groaned out the pend up breath but not out of pain but out of relief.

"Could turn over so I can tend to your back?" The doctor said.

Guts sat up. He didn`t lay down on his stomach, he bend his head forward and stayed like that for a moment. Casca got closer to Guts and she saw tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Guts... Is this experience overly awful to you? I`m sorry..."

Guts shook his head, his sobs getting audible.

"It`s not that... I don`t know what it is!"

The doctor didn`t intervene, he beckoned Casca to come closer to him so he could say something to her and give Guts time to collect himself. Casca looked at the doctor, concern written all over her face.

"He might be big and strong, but he is also human" The doctor said.

Casca tilted her head, this time her features showed confusion.

"Human touch contain such a power. From what I have observed, it is clear Guts have pend up trauma involving human touch. Now he is experiencing healing touch instead of abusive touch. Tending to the muscles is not only physically healing but mentally as well, it can grab on to emotions and release relief from injuries deep in the heart"

Casca understood the doctor wasn`refering to the heart as the organ that pumps blood but the heart as in feelings, the ability of compassion and love.

Guts wiped his eyes with his forearm as he let out his last sobs. Casca turned to Guts.

"Are you ready to continue, Guts?" She asked gently.

Guts nodded. On his stomach he laid down on the blanket with closed eyes. With gritted teeth he placed his head in his arms. This position was the main trigger, Guts could clearly remember the sharp inserts stabbing him and practically feel them. Casca laid down on the blanket next to Guts and put her hand on his shoulder, rubbing it gently.

"Guts, look at me" She said firmly but also gently.

Slowly he opened his eyes and was greeted with affection from Casca`s eyes. Somehow this reminded him of the time Casca was ordered to keep him warm while he was unconscious but at the same time it was different. There was no danger when he looked into those eyes, no pain, no suffering. On the battlefield she could be a devil, but in moments like this she was an angel.

The doctor smeared his hands in with a jelly substance, a clear jelly with no colour. He ran his hands all over Guts` back till his hands no longer contained gel. Guts flinched as the doctor did his work and almost got up to attack again when the doctor`s hands went to the lower part of his back. Guts never got up, Casca was determined to make Guts feel safe and relax by not losing eye contact with him or let go of his shoulder. It worked hence Guts calmly closed his mouth and no longer gritted his teeth. The doctor was finished smearing the gel off of his hands on Guts and put pressure on certain spots near the scapula. Guts drifted off, he slowly closed his eyes and didn`t open them up again. Guts was falling asleep and he did not try to stay awake, he let sleep consume him. The breathing got slower and snores came out occasionally. Casca thought the doctor would stop the treatment since Guts was so put at ease, but the doctor kept going with what he was doing. Casca had never seen Guts sleep so peacefully, it was a rare sight to see Guts sleep without tossing and turning and mumbling to someone to stop.

As Casca was about to ask the doctor for how long this treatment would last, Guts suddenly gripped her wrist. Casca gasped but tried to make as little sound as possible to prevent waking Guts up.

"Now that the hand turned back to normal again..." Casca frowned, thinking of goodbyes to her hand.

But this was not the same as earlier. The grip was firm but not painful, it felt like a grip of a child. This reminded Casca of a little boy not wanting his mother to leave him alone. She never knew Guts could have such a gentle but desperate hold, considering how big Guts` hands were. This was a boys hand in the form of a mans.

"

Guts no longer had a steady and slow breathing, but it was not as fast and heavy as those he had whenever a nightmare occurred. His eyes were open and had a pleading look. Did Guts wake up?

"Umm, Guts? Are you awake?" Casca had to ask. His eyes was looking at her but at the same time they didn`t look at her.

"I wish you never went away" Guts said.

Casca furrowed an eyebrow.

"What are you talking about? I have never gone away, I`m right here!" Casca said.

Guts loosed the grip around her wrist, crept his hand up to her hand and took hold of it just as gently as the "boy grip" he had around her wrist. Casca returned the gesture without thinking of it.

"Have you been watching over me like an angel, Shisu?"

Shisu? What was Guts talking about? Casca looked at the doctor, hoping he knew what was going on. Just as calmly as when Guts stabbed him, he looked back at Casca.

"Some things are too diffucult to talk about, in a peaceful sleep he attempts to ease his heart" The doctor said.

"He has never...umm...how?" Casca couldn`t imagine Guts being someone to open up further more about how he felt about his childhood. All Casca knew of Guts` past was there was a man named Donovan who raped Guts and his adoptive father named Gambino who taught Guts how to fight. Guts never told Casca more than that, he was propably not comfortable enough or ready.

"The essence has its effect"

The essence was the reason Guts was "awake" in a dream of his past as a little boy? This "smoke" made you think back of happy times and feel comfortable to just about anything and also work like a truth serum? It kind of made sense, it was probably the reason why Casca all out of the blue was thinking about the few happy memories of her family before being sold as a "servant" and why the doctor was so casual about being stabbed.

So now Guts was still asleep and had a illusion of Casca being someone named Shisu? So he acted on a dream he currently had. The hold in her hand started to shake of deperation. Did he wait for an answer?

"I have always and will forever do so, Guts" Casca wasn`t sure if she was supposed to play along, but his hand in hers stopped shaking. He didn`t seem to recognize her voice, which was good hence Casca didn`t know how Shisu sounded like.

"I miss you so much, my world fell apart after you died"

Casca felt her heart clench. Just who was Shisu?

"You must know that I am always with you" Casca continued acting as Shisu, trying her best to not let Guts hear emotion effecting her.

"Gambino hated me after you died... He said you would still be alive if it weren`t for me"

Guts sat up in a way which cold make anyone think he was awake. His eyes teared up and had the saddest look on his face. A look of a child feeling guilty of having broken his mothers dearest possession.

"I don`t understand... I could never.. I would never do anything towards you, I love you! I`m sorry, Shisu...I`m sorry...mother"

Casca couldn`t hold it in her tears anymore, this became too much.

Shisu was his mother... adoptive mother. Guts told her Gambino said Guts should have died besides his birth mothers body. Casca didn`t know how Shisu died, but she knew Guts did not have anything to do with it hence Guts had to be very young when she died, no mother would let her child go through things Guts went through. His eyes were in a sleeping state, but it was like he looked at her and begging her for forgiveness.

Casca held her mouth shut, struggling to keep herself quiet as she was bawling. She loved Guts romantically, but at this moment she really got into her "part" as Shisu and felt more like a mother comforting her child. She embraced Guts with her free arm, Guts still held her hand. Guts returned the gesture, letting go of Casca`s hand as he hugged her back with both his arms. Casca involved her now free hand, encircling her other arm around Guts and using her hand to stroke his head. Her hand held by the vulnerable boy Guts was far within...

"Don`t say that, Guts. I should never have left you, you are the most precious there is. I am very happy I got to be your mother and Gambino is wrong, you were my life. I love you too, I love you very much and I will prove it to you, when we meet again." Casca sobbed within herself.

She felt like such a traitor. She wasn`t Shisu, and here Guts was in her arms all vulnerable believing he was talking to his dead mother! Before guilt could consume her further, Guts` arms slumped down to his sides. All of a sudden Casca fell down hardly on the blanket with Guts on top of her. She almost panicked as she felt how Guts still was on top of her. He didn`t die, did he? When she said she, as Shisu, would prove how much she loved Guts when they met again, she didn`t mean for him to see her right now! But as she held her breath and lay still, she could feel and hear him breathing slowly. As difficult as it was because of how heavy Guts was, Casca slowly pressed herself off him.

"

Guts was in a deep sleep. There was no more sleep talking or acting out of some illusions, he laid on the blanket breathing slowly and steady and his eyes were closed. The doctor told Casca they should let Guts sleep. This treatment was physically and mentally straining to a patient, despite them not doing anything. Guts could fight hundreds of soldiers, get shot by arrows and get stabbed, but going through a treatment which involved being touched and let out the untold deep in his heart was the biggest hardship he could ever go through.

The doctor got up from where he was sitting.

"I don`t have walls or opportunity for privacy in my tent, but would you mind of I got changed? I have been unhygienic for too long now..." He said as he pointed at the stain with his hand, his features showing embarrasment. The blood stain had gotten darker.

Casca shook her head.

"Not at all, I don`t mind" Casca said.

The doctor went towards a heap of folded clothes. Carefully he went through them till he picked up a white, clean tunic. Gently he put the garment on the floor and undressed himself off the blood stained tunic. Casca had no intention of watching him change, but something caught her eyes. It wasn`t just Guts, or that woman with the rock, one could see there have been many others by looking at the doctors bare torso! He had scars everywhere. If the doctor and Guts had a competition of being most covered with scars, Guts would have lost. Chopped shapes, small and thick, long and thin ones... They were everywhere both front and back, the doctor was a canvas of harm.

"Are you alright?"

Casca snapped back to reality. The doctor stood in front of her clad in this white tunic, she couldn`t stop thinking about what she just saw. She was ashamed of the scars she had gotten from all the combats she had fought, she was starting to feel bad about feeling better about herself after seeing the doctor. But the main thing was her wonder of why the doctor would treat people who did this to him.

"Yes, I just..I didn`t mean... Your body..." Casca babbled and couldn`t finish one proper sentence with her mind getting filled with questions.

"Oh yes, the patients leave marks physically as well" The doctor said, not being the slightest shameful of Casca seeing his scars.

"But... Why do you treat people who hurt you so?"

The doctor made a small smile.

"This is the life I have chosen. I doesn`t matter what happens to my body, as long as my patients get out of their physical or mental pain and darkness it makes it all worthwhile."

Casca looked at Guts. The wounds on his body was already almost healed and there was no bleeding or pussing coming out from the wounds. He marked the doctor with his sword and if all these patients the doctor has treated got well again, then Guts would get well too. It was like you had to make a mark on the doctor to get well... But was that something Guts or any other thought... or?

"

Just one week after seeing the doctor and Guts was all well again. He practiced with his sword just like how he has always done. Not only that, Guts seemed to be happier and more energetic then he was before. Casca gave the doctor much of her money for all this, over half of her coin purse got empty. But it was all worth it, Guts could call himself the thousand man killer now instead of the hundred man killer. Guts never talked about the treatment he received when they got back. Whether it was because he didn`t want to talk about it or he didn`t remember, Casca didn`t know. Guts would never in a position like this again as his heart has also been treated.


End file.
